My work

I've been in a state of pause for the last three months. At first, it was an intentional stop.

For me, the "easier" thing is to keep making something. Improving existing products, adding new features, trying to make yet another something with AI. There's a sense of accomplishment in doing "something" each day, so I'd keep going even if the metrics I wanted didn't show up.

But at some point, I realized that just repeating the act of building might be a way of avoiding an important question I need to face right now.

"Is it really right for me to be doing this?"
"What is it that I really need to do?"

Even though I felt guilty about doing nothing, I needed time to stop everything and properly face this question. So I stopped.

But that intentional pause lasted longer than I expected.

Suddenly a thought struck me. As my attempts over the past few years haven't come to fruition, hasn't a sense of helplessness—"nothing I do seems like it will work anyway"—taken root in me?

A personal choice and decision I made recently that came back as unbearable pain only added to this.

It seems like distrust and fear have deeply embedded themselves in all my choices.
Unable to trust my own choices and decisions, I feel like I'm frozen in place, unable to truly "choose" or "decide," just drifting.
I'm not moving at all because I'm searching for a choice that won't lead to regret or failure.
I just realized that.

And as I thought about it more, I realized I'd lost something else too.
The joy of trying things.

At some point, whenever I attempted something, I started anticipating the result beforehand.
I began making products based on a hypothesis that someone might need them,
but my desire for my time and effort to come back as some kind of result took over,
and when fear of "what if it doesn't?" set in, I'd stop the execution right away.

It became harder and harder to start something lightly with the mindset of "I wonder what would happen if I tried this?"
Before even starting, I'm judging whether it will work or not and trying to stop.

It's something I could move forward with by asking questions lightly like tufts of cotton and checking hypotheses,
but expectations and pressure in my heart pile up on top, and at some point it becomes too heavy to carry and I give up.
After repeating that cycle of giving up and sitting down, I eventually reached a state where I can't follow through with any beginning.

Suddenly today, such a thought came to me.

Making a product might not be a test where success and failure are judged, but rather the act of asking the world a question.

"Do people really have this kind of problem?"
"Would it help if we solved it this way?"
"Would people use it if we made it this way?"

If I'm curious, I can just make something small and put it out into the world.

If people use it, I've gotten one answer. If no one uses it, I've still gotten one answer.

If people respond in a completely different way than I expected, that's an answer too.

If I tried it and it wasn't, at least I learned something.

Thinking about it, the creative work I've been wanting to do lately doesn't seem much different.

Whether it's film, video, or writing.

"What would people think if I handed them this story?"
"Why does this weigh on my mind?"
"Can this kind of life be called happiness?"
"What do I want to say about this question?"

I don't have to move someone through a work. I can also ask the world a single question that I hold.

I still have the desire to move or enlighten someone.
I still have the desire to make a product that actually solves someone's problem.

But I don't think I need to treat that as a "result" I have to produce every time.

I can keep that as the direction I want to go,
and for now, I just need to ask questions.
I can verify hypotheses.

Some questions might become writing,
some questions might become video or film,
some hypotheses might become products.

When I think about it that way, I don't feel like I need to choose between whether I want to make works or make products right now.

Maybe what I want to do is just make something and have a conversation with the world.

A work is a vessel that holds questions,
a product is a tool that verifies hypotheses.

Both are about putting what I'm curious about out into the world and listening to what the world has to say in response.

Thinking about it, I think I liked that.

"Huh? I wonder what would happen if I tried this?"

I'd make it out of curiosity,
if it was different from what I thought, I'd think about why,
I'd learn something new,
and then I'd become curious about something else and make the next thing.

But at some point, I started labeling each step of that process as success and failure, and I forgot the joy of it all.

The three months I spent standing still probably wasn't just about fear of failure.

Looking for a choice that won't fail,
looking for work that can produce meaningful results,
thinking until I could feel confident,

I stopped actually asking questions and being curious about answers and trying them out myself for too long.

So now I'm trying again.

I'm deciding not to try to make the right choice from the start.
I'm deciding not to pick only things that seem like they'll succeed and try them.

If a question comes up, I make something small.
If a hypothesis comes up, I verify it on a small scale.
I listen once to what the world has to say.

Then I'll learn something.
With that answer, I can ask again.

I might fail.
I might regret.
I might not get any particular results.

But I want to live as someone who takes all of that into account and keeps trying.

Rather than becoming someone who succeeds without failure,
I want to become someone who keeps wondering, making, putting it out into the world, and listening to the answers.

Ask a question,
make something,
put it out,
learn,
and ask again.

I'm defining that as my life, and I'm starting to move again today.